the primrose path

California…

has been one of the most amazing experiences i’ve ever had, and that’s all i have to say right now.

why hello there…

I used to do this all the time.

90% of my time, if not more, used to be spent sitting in front of this very computer.. typing away on here or LiveJournal, telling the interwebs everything I can’t tell anyone in real life. No one even reads this shit anyways…

I find it funny how much time I spend helping other people instead of helping myself. I could have SO MANY things right now, were it not for my insane need to take care of everyone that I love. This isn’t the first time I left myself with nothing just to help out a friend, but I can tell you it will be the last.

I’m done.

I’m sooo tired of being taken for granted it’s not even funny. I’m tired of people walking all over me and assuming that I can take care of what they need. How can I be expected to take care of your needs when I can barely take care of my own? How can I even be expected to take care of myself?

In a few days I will have two weeks away from EVERYTHING, and this will be enough time for me to reevaluate. Hopefully… all I know is something needs to change. And it needs to change now.

I can finally post here from my own computer!!! Feels good to have a laptop now.

I can get on Tumblr from work?! WTF?!

Can’t from home anymore for some reason, and it’s pissing me off. I think I need to completely restore my computer. NOTHING fucking works on that piece of shit anymore.

[[sighs]]

Days like today need to happen more often. I like them. =)

Three fucking years… they should have meant something to you. apparently they didn’t. you could have helped me, could have helped me NOT turn into what i am right now. best friends, right? yeah, that’s why we’ve barely talked in over a year. that’s why the last time i saw you, it was so fucking awkward i had to make up an excuse to get the fuck out of there, when talking to you used to be the easiest thing in the world.

don’t know why i still think about it. i mean, it was only highschool, after all. nothing to fret over, right?

it’s come to a point where i can’t even imagine being friends with you now. we’re polar opposites at this point. it’s just… i really never found another friend who was truer then you.

doubt you’ll ever read this. don’t know if i want you to, which is why i’m posting it here. less of a chance and all. i kinda just needed to rant.

i miss you…

Started with a point, ended with an angry rant.

What is it with me and my insomnia these days? It seems I can’t sleep at night unless I pulled an all nighter the previous night. This shit fucking sucks. Like most normal people, I actually have shit to do tomorrow, but I’m not going to want to wake up because I probably won’t crash until four or five… maybe six. [sighs] A normal sleep schedule would be nice, maybe.

No, I’m out late at night a lot. Can’t sleep while I’m out.

Shit sucks. I feel like shit, and I don’t know why. I want a cigarette, but I don’t want to go outside, but I can’t keep risking smoking downstairs in my room. I want coffee, but I have the feeling that’s what’s making me feel like shit to begin with. It’s the only thing I’ve had since dinner. And if this was dinner, I would have felt like shit when I was out.

To top it all off… can’t stop thinking about you. I told myself I wasn’t going to do this. I told myself that if this fell through… if me and you didn’t work out… I was going to give up on the male species altogether and just focus on myself. Is it impossible for me to do that, really? And then there’s you… and I feel wrong for even having these feelings. Like I shouldn’t really expect much out of this.

I don’t know what to expect, honestly.

I thought I knew what to expect with you. I expected… well… just you. We made plans… so many plans. Remember? Superbowl party at your house… you know, the bar downstairs and stuff. Remember how we were supposed to learn how to snowboard together this winter? Oh, and California. Do you remember California? I knew what this was going to be if we’d stayed together. I knew going into this that you’ve been married, have a beautiful little girl, an adorable baby boy, and your ex is pregnant with your second son. I knew that you never, ever, wanted to get married again, because of what your ex wife did to you. I knew all of this, and we talked about it. Millions of times. Okay, exaggeration, but we talked about it a lot. How many time did I have to tell you? It didn’t bother me.

Well, maybe it did. But I loved you. I was willing to deal with it if it meant I could be yours.

You believed it didn’t bother me. I convinced you of that much. So why did you do this? Leaving me to spare me the pain? For all you knew, there was no pain. I complately changed for you. Didn’t get possessive, didn’t get jealous when you had to see her because she has your son, didn’t even pick a fight when that stupid cunt threatened to kick my ass for being with you. I didn’t go running scared, either. That alone should have been enough to make you fucking realize and open your goddamn eyes and see. I know, your eyesights horrible, funny fucking joke… now get serious with me.

And then, and then you tell me you want to get back together with me… maybe. I went to your house, where you KNOW I’m not very well liked. But I went there… for you… called you outside, to the side to talk… BEGGED your ass to explain all this to me. And you did, and I understood. I still wanted to be with you. I asked you if you still loved me, and you said yes, and you still wanted to be with me, but didn’t want to hurt me.

“Well, you already managed that one. And nothing could be worse then what I’ve been going through for the past week.”

You said you wanted to get back together. “Give me a few days to think, I’ll get ahold of you.”

You never got ahold of me.

I let go.

I burned every note I wrote you.

I’m burning the flower tomorrow.

You can have your fucking hoodie back.

I’m moving on.

And I’m never going back to you.

I’m convincing myself that everything you told me was a lie, even though I lied to you. Remember what your friends told you? How they saw me when I was at the bowling alley? You were mistaken about one thing, I wasn’t in Middletown. But I was with who they said I was. And I did what they said I did, even though I’m positive they never saw any of that. You were gone for a week. Never called, never came to see me. You saw her though, I know you did. I was there when you showed up with her, and didn’t say a fucking word to me.

You pissed me the fuck off.

I spent two weeks crying over you. Not anymore.

I don’t think I’m even capable of loving you anymore, and I’m going to say something to you I promised myself I would never say to another person.

I DON’T WANT TO LOVE YOU.

Goodbye.

Purple!

I had fun just a moment ago, making pretty much my entire tumblog purple!

Favorite color ever.<3

It is before ten am, and I am awake WAAAYYY too prematurely, almost so that it’s making difficult to type, and stuff. I only slept for about three hours. -_- and am defninitely going to go back to sleep when I get home from the bank.

The past few days have been fun, tho, no matter how sleep deprived i may be right now. Let’s just see how this goes…